9 Weeks Post Spine Fusion

Today, I am nine weeks post spine fusion.
Still a tongue twister. Still surreal.

Yesterday, I saw a rehab doctor and had my first physical therapy session. What came out of that day changed how I see my body. Completely.

What I learned in rehab

My body is stiff. Very stiff.

But not because I’m broken.

It’s stiff because I’ve been afraid.

Afraid of pain.
Afraid of breaking my back.
Afraid of trusting my body again.
Afraid of not being capable to recover.
Afraid of not being worthy to be well again.

I’ve been carrying the memory of pre-surgery pain. The kind that takes over your life. Add to that the trauma of recurrence. The quiet belief that I caused it. That my body failed because I failed it. That I messed up my body. It’s my fault. Why did my disc extrusion come back?

Guilt sat right beside that fear, even when I tried to deny it. In trying to quiet it, I almost baby-proofed my surroundings, convinced I was protecting myself. I didn’t realize I was creating crutches.

That fear locked me into survival mode. I was protecting myself constantly. Ironically, that protection was hurting me.

A shift I didn’t expect

After my consultation and first PT session, I walked out of the clinic with a different relationship with my body.

I was told to remove my steel brace.
I already have steel in my back. Titanium no less.

That sentence alone reframed everything.

Even at home, lying down, I started noticing something simple but powerful. I can move. Some movements aren’t dangerous. My body isn’t as fragile as my fear made it out to be.

What changed immediately

This morning, I walked without a cane.
Without a brace.

3.5 kilometers in 35 minutes.

Before, I needed support. I was exhausted after a 10 or 15 minute walk. Needing a two minute breather in between just to complete 30 minutes.

Today felt different. Lighter. More fluid. Less guarded. Even stronger.

Something loosened. Mostly in my head.

I was also happier. There was a sense of freedom. It was liberating.

Recovery feels possible again

I’ll likely need about ten rehab sessions, three times a week. There’s work to do. Real work.

For the first time since surgery, recovery doesn’t feel like a threat. It feels attainable. Maybe even enjoyable.

I’ll be honest. I was scared I’d never go back to anything close to my old normal. That fear has been sitting quietly in the background.

Yesterday softened it.

The goal that matters most to me

Before leaving the clinic, I shared something personal.

Scuba diving is my passion.
I want to do it again.

The response was simple. That’s our goal. Let’s make that happen.

My physical therapist happens to be a mountaineer. I joked: “Iyo ang bundok. Aking ang dagat.”

Where I am now

On the last day of being 52, I see my body differently.

I trust it a little more.

I fear it a little less.

Recovery isn’t just about bones and hardware. Sometimes it’s about letting go of the story that you’re fragile.

I can do this.

Today, for the first time in a while, I believe it.